Your words in my memory are like music to me.

Because you don't say much.
You claim that you're tired all the time... but I feel like you're just scared. Which is understandable. But you're a closed book that I just can't seem to open, and it frustrates me. Although, I find this part funny: I like it. It's new.

Time spent together with awkward silences; but beautiful sensations. Memories made, that will always be remembered, but can so easily be forgotten. And I find myself hoping each and everyday that this lasts just a little bit longer, because I'm so addicted to these foreign emotions that you give me. But sometimes, as satisfying as silence might be.. it can't serve as a replacement of your words completely. Because words are what get you to truly know someone, and I'm aching to finally get to know you. The real you. And I'm slowly getting tired of this what seems to be dragging on game of hide-and-go-seek.. but I guess that's just me being selfish. I don't mind taking the blame. And so this countdown begins... fourteen days without you. I feel so absolutely ridiculous, because that's nothing. Two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours. Twenty thousand, one hundred and eighty minutes. And I'm not even going to bother doing the math for seconds, because I'm already making myself appear creepy enough. Which I'm not... I'm just really going to miss you. And I don't mind getting made fun of or receiving evil stares for it. I really wish that you could realize how much you're beginning to mean to me.

And I'm terrified to find out whether this is going to be a good thing or not.

These are the nights...

when Konstantine is all I need.
Or can handle.

Estoy triste.

People

are so extremely and severely unoriginal.
I'm not one to say that I am original, because obviously I am not. Nobody can be completely and totally unique, because we all build off of one another, and learn from each other. We all have our own inspirations and aspirations. It's the way of the human mind. But people can at least make an effort, and not make themselves look like total mimics. I would like MY inspirations to stay my own, unless they've really affected you. I would like the things that I MYSELF do, stay that way.

I just hate when people are so unoriginal, and can't think for themselves. People are so caught up in the thought of fitting in that they forget to who they are and just become another counterfeit person. And it just makes me upset.

But my dad always said "Imitation the the best form of flattery."
I really wish I wasn't so "flattered". I wouldn't consider myself to be as great of a person as people always set me up to be.

Three little stars.

Apparently, this is what I do in math class when I can't seem to gather my thoughts correctly.

I know that I'm definitely not an artist... but hey. What can you do?

I also wanted to mention that I appreciate the nighttime a lot more than usual. And I know why.
The stars. I now go out in my backyard every almost single night, just to look for those three little stars. Ryan's belt. Because you're the first one to show me them. They serve as a purpose to remind me that you aren't as distant as you may seem sometimes, because you too can see those same three brilliant little stars. I think it's safe to say that they will always remind me of you. And that you really can find beauty in the simplest of things, especially nature.

"All this feels strange and untrue
and I won't waste a minute without you..."

Invisible Emotions.

Music hides the voices we can't speak;
the voices we refuse to sound or creak.
It serves as a reason to our defining;
it serves as an aspect to our silver lining.
In times of our growing desperation,
it prevents our need for throwing away emotion.
In utter chaos it can be our getaway,
to reveal the things that we are unable to say.
Music hides the voices we can't speak;
the voices that leave us nothing but weak.
-Me.

You think that you've made a mistake.

"I wanna hang onto something that won't break away or fall apart, like the pieces of my heart."

Too much thinking for my liking. But what else can you do in the restless mind of an abnormal teenage girl? I don't like to be so pessimistic, but sometimes you need to be more realistic than everybody else. You can't keep your head in the clouds all the time. It doesn't get you anywhere. Happiness is only temporary, and it isn't optional.

I haven't talked to you in what seems forever. I miss you more and more every second, which is ridiculous on my part. I'm missing my best friend more than ever, but I won't get to see him for another six months at the least. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I have a feeling I will by the end of this week. Though you know what? I don't care. This is my life, it's a new year; I want change. So much already, so soon.. but I want more. I guess I'm really not making sense anymore, and this is more a rambling of my own uncollected thoughts. But whatever, I miss you. And you. And you're pestering. And you need to grow up.

"I can't take this anymore.
Because I know one day I'll see you walk out that door."

Let the rain fall down on me.

Dear Blog,
I've already written once today, but hm... this weather has really taken it's toll on me. It's bringing out all this unknown artistic-ness I wasn't aware I had. It helps me think more clearly, and puts me in the most paramount mood. And I'm pretty sure I'll go into an utter depression when it parts from me. But hey, I might as well enjoy it while I can. That's all I need to enjoy it for. Because in 2 more years, I'll be out of this disarrayed town, and somewhere with more purpose. With more beauty than just bright neon lights they decided to put in the middle of a random desert. Real beauty. I'll be somewhere where the people will be more thoughtful and kind, and giving to those around them. Somewhere where there is REAL weather... just not hot and hotter. That's all I have to survive. 2 more years, 2 more years, 2 more years....
Love,
Kati

The most important people in my life right now.

My best friend & boyfriend. This picture describes us right on the dot.
You both make my life perfect, and make me smile the most. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I've never enjoyed anyone's company as much as I do yours. The most incredible people I've ever met.
You both complete me. Love you dearly.

I'm happy.

"The silence isn't so bad, until I look at my hands and feel sad, because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."

Nothing to write about. Except for the plain and simple thought of total happiness.
Life is good.

Let's just get married.

Tonight, I say we just get out of this town,
Let's go to Seattle and watch rain fall on the ground
And on our tongues, "I love you's" run into each other,
But could I really trust her?
She said, "Hey, baby, baby boy, why you always look so sad?"
"You've got the whole world in the palm of your hand."
But it don't mean a thing if you're not next to me
I'm so sick, so sick, of just always dreaming....

I was feeling quite artistic yesterday. I guess it was the whole two minutes of rain this Las Vegas weather got to experience. It's sad when that much can inspire me. I need to get out of here. Only two more years? I'm counting down the days.

All photos taken & edited by me:

"This is because I can spell confusion with a 'K', and I can like it."

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"
"The truth is that I've never fallen so hard."
"That crooked smile of yours... it knocks me off my feet."
"I hope to see you soon. Because you are fond of me, and I am fond of you."
"I realized that your laugh is the best sound I've ever heard."

"Those three words I said too much... were not enough."

No stress, no stress, no stress.

Oh I know. Cliche Jesse McCartney lyrics as a title. But hey, we all have our weaknesses. And I would consider myself to be stressing out right now. I'm so ready for tomorrow to be over, and exams to be done with. I didn't do nearly as well as I would have liked, but I'm not going to go on a common rampage of how I wish I could've done better in school etc, etc. Because I would consider that a goal of everybody's at my age, and I just didn't achieve it. My fault. I'll gladly take the blame.

"I hope I see you soon. Because you are fond of me, and I am fond of you..."

Is it absolutely terrible to fall so quickly? I've been one to be known to fall fast, and to fall hard.. but this is all so new to me. And the fact that no one cares to understand how I'm feeling isn't helping at the least. Maybe it's because I don't know what exactly I'm feeling? I mean, it hasn't even been a month... I would never see myself feeling like I am now. It makes me sad sometimes, and makes me contemplate if my feelings are true, or if my hormonal teenage instincts are kicking through? I would swear on my life that it isn't, and that I really am feeling this way. But who am I to know? I'm still so young and naive.
I guess in the end it doesn't matter. I'm so intensely satisfied, I shouldn't have to worry about these emotions that have been meddling with my thoughts. The fact that I can bring out a side to someone no one else has ever seen.. a deeper & more thoughtful side.. makes me feel useful, and that I'm really not just this waste of space. I'm so determined to figure out this mystery, on my own. It makes me understand things so much more, and makes me feel that much more special.

But whatever. You know how that goes.

Stolen.

These emotions are pouring out of me, sooner and faster than ever before. This is real. This is what I've been wanting almost all along. I had obstacles to overcome, tried new roads, had a few u-turns, and sped up a few times; but this is the journey I've always been wanting to take. And I didn't even know it.

Nothing can describe my happiness at this very moment. I know to some this may seem like nothing but deja vu, and that I'm just love-struck yet again. But it has to be different, because this is such a new feeling. I swear to you. I sit here, just thinking about everything: what was said, what needs to be said, what can be assumed, what other people say, mistakes that were made... just everything. And it brings me such a satisfied feeling. I guess it's safe to say that I honestly don't regret anything. I'm gracious of who I have become, and who I am becoming. I am thankful of the people that walked into my life, and the people who decided to leave. Also, the people I myself decided to leave. I am blessed to live a life where I don't have to worry about the basic necessities, because my family is so good at supporting me. I mean of course, life isn't "perfect". There's no such thing. I still have personal problems, and things that could be fixed. But it's pretty close to that feeling of perfection as you can possibly get.

And I leave this blog with nothing but a huge smile on my face, and his smell still lingering on my clothing.
Not in a creepy way though.

Brahms, you changed my life.

Johannes Brahms, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Major, Opus 77.

One of the most brilliant pieces I have ever taken the time to listen to. It was written in 1878, it's now 2010, but I can almost understand exactly what he was trying to portray. Oh Brahms, you were such an angry and distressed man, from what I can consume from a majority of your compositions. But you had to have been in love when you wrote this piece. It's so beautiful, and can describe every single feeling of love in simple melody. It made me reminisce, yet think about my future as well. Brahms, you made me realize that love is really capable of attaching itself to anybody. Everybody hurts from it, yet they are so addicted to that high feeling you get when in it. You get addicted to the feeling of absolute perfection, and complete satisfaction. Addicted to the insanity of your heart pumping every time you're around that person. It's something that seems so indescribable, and that's what makes it so incredible. And your second half of the second movement brought me the most emotion that I've felt through music for a while. I was in tears. It's so absolutely perfect, I can't even begin to characterize it.

I guess what I basically analyzed from this piece is that love is the addiction of fulfillment brought to you by another person, stronger than anything else you could possibly ever feel. It can bring emotions that are so foreign to anybody, and has the capability of changing them, even if just temporarily. It's basically just the craving of the human heart. But maybe I'm just over-analyzing.

If I die clutching your photograph,

Don't call me boring...

It's just 'cause I like you. :)

No deep thoughts today. They haven't been common to me recently. But I've been so unbelievably happy lately, it's expected. When you're near the feeling of absolute perfection, it's hard to analyze things. And to be completely honest... I don't want to. I wouldn't want to ruin anything that seems to appear more than beautiful.

Hi 2010.

I'm so extremely ready for you.
I could write a great huge blog on how excited I am for this upcoming year. But I'm not going to.
Because this year is going to be about doing things I wouldn't normally do, and is going to be filled with risks I wouldn't usually take. I'm ready to finally live my life. I turn 16 in twenty days, and from there, I hope it's nothing but a little bit more freedom.

Basically, I'm stoked for this year. Bring on the memories.