Team-up Thursday: Happy.

Yes, I'm aware it's not Thursday. In fact, it is 2 PM on a Wednesday. But let me explain this Team-up Thursday idea, then explain my reasoning for doing it this week on Wednesday. Well first off, a couple of nights ago my best friend talked to me and said she wanted to do this weekly, and I know how much she loves photography, and how much I'm starting to admire it, so I said of course. It's basically where we take one theme, and we both take a picture representing what that theme means to us. Then every Thursday we will post these pictures on my blog, and it's just an enjoyable project for the both of us. Now, for the reason I will be posting these pictures today: 1) Both of us have taken our pictures already and 2) I'm leaving for Oregon tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get the internet access to post this blog. So here goes our first Team-up Thursday.

Theme of the week:

Happiness

Marina's photo on top, mine on bottom.

Creativity.

“Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple.”
-Charles Mingus.

Complication.

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.”

This is such a complicated situation. So many hear-says, so many rumors, so many lies... yet only one selfish person to blame. It suddenly makes me realize how life really is, and how it's going to be. You think you're sailing smooth, and nothing could possibly destroy this satisfaction that you've been building up, but in a blink of an eye, it can all disappear. Something so great, slowly disintegrating... and only, ONLY, because of one selfish and ignorant person. And it saddens me. You never take the time to appreciate what you have until it parts from you. Then you're left with nothing but feelings of regret, and a frown upon your face. But I have no intention of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, or for anyone else, because this change is not something that I can control, or that I can change back. I'm ready to be a leader, to continue with this great program that had been set up for the best. To keep it at the best. And all I would like from others is to build up the courage and to have the same mind thought as me, because no matter how much hatred could be spiraling at this one person right now... it won't change a thing. Let's just try to make this complicated situation simple, by sucking up our pride, trying our hardest, hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

And in reference to this selfish person... it makes me try to see from their viewpoint. But I simply can't. Do they look around them and see nobody but themselves? Do they not even put in thought about what they might have ruined for others, when they themselves won't be effected by it later? Do they not even comprehend how much hurt & betrayal others are feeling, rather than just thinking about their self-inflicted pain? I can't understand. And no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll be able to have that capability. Because I am being risen to think about others before yourself, and to think before you do. And it upsets me that not everyone is being taught the same way.

This is what I need more of.

Practice time.
I love hours spent productively with my viola. Or my piano. Or my soon-to-be-owned violin. Even my guitar. Closing my bedroom door for hours at a time, not having anything but the thought of music crossing my mind. The feeling of a warming up numbness in your arms. Not being aware of what other clutter is going on your life right then and there; that feeling of forgetting the world for a little while. The frustration when you aren't quite getting it; the feeling of accomplishment once you finally do. Just any quality time with an instrument is all I need in my life. No human being could bring me this much happiness, nor do I want them to. Because then I feel that I just might lose this absolute passion that I withhold, and I would never even think of risking such a thing.

Oh.. and I would appreciate some more sleep as well.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

I feel far more than cliche for posting Paramore lyrics, but what can you do.

My parents' ignorance can be so overpowering sometimes. They let their mega-republican mindsets get in the way of my dreams, and it upsets me more than they could even imagine. As I've posted in many previous blogs, it's obvious that Seattle, Washington is my love. It's the town where I would like to go to school. It's the town I find extreme beauty in. It's the town where I would like to spend the rest of my life.

First things first, I understand that Washington is a mainly Liberal state, it is what it is, and I'm completely okay with it because I myself have a moderate way at viewing politics. I could honestly careless; a city is a place to live and love, not one huge politics debate. But my parents swing their words in ways to make me feel like I have no motives. I have no strong mindset. That I'm not independent. That I'm nothing but a "stupid Liberal". But I know who I am, and who I aspire to be, so I try to disregard their irrational and hurtful words. They are so judgemental, and I honestly think that their heads are too biased to understand anything that could be running through my mind. They don't understand the beauty of music, and my love for it; they just understand the major competition of swimming, and always having to be first. They view winning and money as everything, and that is farthest away than my view. I do not view life in that way in the slightest. I view life as this: We're here for the ride, and we'd might as well enjoy it, whether we get money from it or not. I believe we should work hard for the things we love because we love them, not because it can gather us the highest possible income. But unfortunately, my parents do not have that same thought of mind. And it's probably my sensitivity, or perhaps my generation, but I would like at least a little bit of understanding from them every once in a while.

And it's okay, first, they don't want me to attend music school, and won't allow me to be a music major like I would like to be, because "it is not a real job". Obviously I do not agree with them there, but I am trying to understand that they would like what's best for me. It's no big deal, I'll just major in English instead, my second passion. But this is where they have crossed the line. They have officially said they will not help me pay for my schooling if I end up getting accepted into The University of Washington. My dream. The only true goal that I have in life. The only thing I've wanted so bad that it hurts. And I can't have it, because my parents have no trust, or faith, in me. And all they can possibly think about is themselves, or the way these dazed politics work these days. I haven't quite decided on that yet.

So this is my conclusion, and my decision: I am going to try harder than anything to get as much scholarship money in as many ways as I can. I will save my money for college, rather than wants such as a car or clothing. I don't need their help. I'll show them that I truly am independent. I want to do this on my own if they have no desire of helping. I'll pay for my own schooling if I have to. I know what I want, and I will do anything to get it. And that is not changing now. I won't even allow my parents to rain on my parade.

All I know is at this point, I'm upset, yet far more determined than I ever was before. And I can't help but wonder that maybe this was their intention all along.

March 16, 2010.

Hm. Who would've known I would almost completely forget this date? I'm aware it serves no significance anymore, but I still find it interesting to just think about things. I like it.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Trust.

I can trust my boys. First and foremost. They're like my big brothers; always there to catch me when I fall. Call me ignorant when necessary. Would kill the people that even attempted to hurt me just a little bit. They can make me laugh in any absolute given situation, and know exactly what they can do to make me smile. They're who I will always go to first for advice, or the first people I will go crying to when there is too much on my mind. They will make sure they're shoulder is always open for my head to rest, and are my basic support. So I love you Sean Smith & Thomas Meek; you are my main trust-guys. It's satisfying to know that I am able to trust at least some males.

I can trust my girls. They are there to listen to my complaining, and listen to every single detail of my current life. They know me better than I know myself, and know when I have my head too high in the clouds. I can trust them with never letting me down, and they definitely are my favorite people to hang out with. So I love you Marina Vail, Maddy Dolginoff, and Sarah McKay; you remind me that not all girls are selfish, and actually care about others. .

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." And I love you, I'm pretty sure. But I do not think I can trust you. No matter what you might be feeding my mind through your words. Words mean nothing unless they are backed up by actions. And your actions are definitely not so reassuring, nor convincing.

So please... convince me?

I swore I'd never fall again.

But this don't even feel like falling. Gravity came again to pull me back down to the ground again.

Oh Beyonce, your music is another guilty pleasure of mine. You're brilliant.

Confusion.

My thoughts are so cluttered right now. I can't even understand what I'm thinking and it's torturing me. They're bringing me this complete and utter emptiness inside my stomach. It's almost as if I can feel it, and it hurts. I want so many things I can't have. I want to be truly happy. I want to not over-analyze every little precise thing that happens to me. I want my boyfriend to not live so far away. I want to be able to see him whenever I want. I want to not miss him so much, since I know the feeling truly isn't mutual. I want to get better grades in school. I want the determination to be a better swimmer, no matter how much I despise it. I want to have the determination to finish a classical piece on the piano. I want to have the time to practice my viola more often. I want to be good at something; anything. I want to be the best at everything I do. I want to lose all this weight I've gained from my laziness overwhelming me. I want to be taller. I want to not argue with my parents about everything. I want my dad to be happy again, which would cause the rest of us happiness. I want my brother to know how much I love watching him swim. I want my best friends to realize how much I love them. I want more friends that will be true to me. I want people to actually be real with me. I want to say everything that's on my mind. I don't want to be afraid to say anything I want to.

I guess if I tried, I could do all of these things. But sometimes it just feels so difficult. And it's probably because it is. In my mind at least.

Forget-me-nots.

They're definitely my most favorite kind of flowers.

I guess they just make me happy. They're so pretty, and there's something about them that sets off a trigger of pure satisfaction throughout me. And just the name of them are slightly significant to me too right now.
Forget me not.

A story of a girl.

She had been feeling such despondency for far too long. She had been waiting for those three simple words from you to reassure her enamor; yet they had been unsuccessful. Your touch sent such a rush to her heart; yet his such a rush to her mind. Confusion is now her greatest companion, for she doesn't know how to comprehend her emotions. Long days and star-filled nights will pass before she will even think to. She believed in the faith that you failed to display; now she believes in his beautiful illusion. She believed that she could make you change for the best; now she believes in his almost perfection that does not need to be changed. She believed that she could fall in love and avoid getting hurt again; now she believes that there is no such thing. "Only lust exists" is what her mind has convinced her, so therefore she must follow. She will only accept the affection she finds herself deserving of, and from when you've shown her, she deserves nothing. From what he's shown her, she deserves everything.

So why is such complication fluttering her mind? You cannot answer this, and neither can he. But the worst part is that she lacks an answer to this question as well.

Hero.

She had sought the great oblivion of love,
and the feeling of security that she had been so neglectful of.
She would go weeks without feeling slightly enamored,
her heart would lack insignificant clamor.
She wanted nothing more than a hand to hold,
a pair of lips to kiss,
someone to call her hero,
someone to miss.
But this was nothing but a beautiful dream,
because her heart was split into two.
And that is the very moment where she realized
that this hero had certainly existed in her life before,
yet she is the one who bid her saddest adieu.

Okay,

I'm ready for you to miss me now.

Like really. You can start any time you want to.