I miss you so much it hurts.

Best friend.



I'm beginning to think that life without you is impossible. I miss my advice buddy. I miss the boy who would make me laugh in any situation. I miss the boy who would just randomly come over, and never get sick of my complaining. I miss the boy who actually listened to my complaining, and tried to make it better. I miss the boy I could say anything to, not even thinking twice about it. I miss the boy I could be the completely real me around. I miss the boy who actually got me to try hard at swim whenever I went. I miss the boy who raised my self-confidence. I miss the boy who never left my side, and still hasn't. I miss the boy who made me who I am today. I miss the boy who saved my life. I miss the only boy that I can really fully trust. I miss the boy who really does love me just as much as I love him. I miss my best friend. I miss my big brother. I miss Sean Taira Smith. And I know that he misses me too.



Counting down the days until we can be reunited again. This distance is killing me slowly.
I ain't gonna lose you. Ever.

My Fairest Adieu.

My words remain unspoken
while your voice is bittersweet.
But I do not dare open my mouth
because then I may chance becoming free.

To ensure my heart is working
I need it to feel a slight spark or two
but with this lack of affection you deliver
it's so tempting to say my fairest adieu.

I find it more & more troublesome to convey this dissatisfaction
and even harder to choke back my tears.
But I always disregard the pain that I'm feeling
because breaking is one of my most critical of fears.

I'm beginning to believe this hurt is my addiction
because I have no intention of letting you go.
But your ignorance is becoming so overpowering,
& my voice is nothing but an echo.

A dream has power to poison sleep.

I want this so desperately.





It is starting to hurt. But apparently, a job with music is not considered "real" one to my parents... So that is a dream I will slowly have to start giving up. And it kills me inside.

But music will always remain apart of who I am, and will always be something they will never understand, and won't appreciate like I do. Only a scarce amount of people comprehend and appreciate it like I do, actually. Though I guess that's just how life is, and that I should eventually end my complaining.

Maybe.

My best friend.

Photography by Marina Vail:




As most of you know, I have a dear love for my best friend. I felt as though she deserved a whole blog post about her, for multiple reasons. I was going through her photography yet again today, and realized not only is she beautiful inside and out, but she is extremely talented as well. She has the same creativity level as me, if not it's higher, and I adore that about her. She can find an inner beauty in complex things, such as nature, from what I comprehend from her pictures, and it gives me chills. I would only be so confident to say that she is the most perfect young woman I could say I have ever met. She is not neglectful towards others at all, and is so extremely strong and independent. I can honestly say that I hope to be like her when I get older and wiser. Mind you, she is only a year older than me, but she is the kind of woman I aspire to be. Once she puts her mind to something, there is no stopping her, and I admire her ultimately for that. She has no idea how much I look up to her, and appreciate her. She also has no clue how much my family loves her, and considers her as a part of the family. MY family. And she definitely does not have a clue how much of an impact she has had on me. For whatever brought her into my life, I thank him, her, it; whatever. I feel like I have not written enough, but I know that I have put my point across, so I guess that is all I can possibly do.

So I guess all I really need to say is that I love you Marina Vail. You're my sister, and like my female Sean & Thomas, because I would consider you on the same level as then even though I haven't known you nearly as long. And that is such a good thing, considering you have always been there when they cannot be.

PS. I don't mean for this to sound corny, or like Andre/ Austin status. Hehe, just kidding. :)

The best thing I have ever read.

"I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity.' It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands and you feel so happy for them And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too."
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower


I feel like I don't need to explain this. It's already been brilliantly explained.
And let's just say that I'm not so proud & selfish anymore.

Stop calling, stop calling, I don't want to think anymore.

I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

Lady Gaga... Don't hide it. We all have one. To some it might be Britney Spears, to others it might be Beyonce. It's almost as if these people are our guilty pleasures, even though they shouldn't have to be. But as crazy as Gaga is, she's unique, and absolutely brilliant in her own kind of genius way. It took me a while to figure her out, but she's the real deal. And as original as they come. As long as she stays the true, insane Lady Gaga she is, I'll be here supporting her insanity. You go girl.

I still hear you in this old piano.

I decided to sight-read the first movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" tonight, because it's my absolute favorite piano composition, other than Chopin's nocturne op. 9 no. 2. I realized I loved it even more when I could comprehend the emotions Beethoven was trying to reveal through it. When I was feeling it; playing it; re-living it. I'm not saying it sounds perfect, or that I'm professional at it. It was just the ultimate feeling of finally understanding it, and not just admiring it.

But anyways, playing it brought back memories. A strong, yet sweet nostalgia made my bones grow cold. It brought back the memories spent with you; the most painful of times, yet the most beautiful times as well.

And it made me miss you. Well, not you, because it seems like this process of change has gotten to the best of you. And I as well. But I simply miss the feelings of perfection, yet sadness, at the same time, and the feeling of a never-ending roller coaster. Feelings that were impossible for me to even describe, and would make me seem completely mindless if I tried. Just the basic & cliche emotions of first love. They say you never forget your first love, so why do I find myself trying so incredibly hard to prove them all wrong? I feel selfish, yet practical. But I really don't know what, or how, to feel.

But I should keep my lips closed from this point on, because I don't want to make it appear like I want my past again. Because honestly, I don't. At all. I appreciate everything in my life right now, and I would be a fool to want it any other way. I just like to reassemble my memories every once in a while. To remind me who I am, and how I became to be.