I miss you so much it hurts.

Best friend.



I'm beginning to think that life without you is impossible. I miss my advice buddy. I miss the boy who would make me laugh in any situation. I miss the boy who would just randomly come over, and never get sick of my complaining. I miss the boy who actually listened to my complaining, and tried to make it better. I miss the boy I could say anything to, not even thinking twice about it. I miss the boy I could be the completely real me around. I miss the boy who actually got me to try hard at swim whenever I went. I miss the boy who raised my self-confidence. I miss the boy who never left my side, and still hasn't. I miss the boy who made me who I am today. I miss the boy who saved my life. I miss the only boy that I can really fully trust. I miss the boy who really does love me just as much as I love him. I miss my best friend. I miss my big brother. I miss Sean Taira Smith. And I know that he misses me too.



Counting down the days until we can be reunited again. This distance is killing me slowly.
I ain't gonna lose you. Ever.

My Fairest Adieu.

My words remain unspoken
while your voice is bittersweet.
But I do not dare open my mouth
because then I may chance becoming free.

To ensure my heart is working
I need it to feel a slight spark or two
but with this lack of affection you deliver
it's so tempting to say my fairest adieu.

I find it more & more troublesome to convey this dissatisfaction
and even harder to choke back my tears.
But I always disregard the pain that I'm feeling
because breaking is one of my most critical of fears.

I'm beginning to believe this hurt is my addiction
because I have no intention of letting you go.
But your ignorance is becoming so overpowering,
& my voice is nothing but an echo.

A dream has power to poison sleep.

I want this so desperately.





It is starting to hurt. But apparently, a job with music is not considered "real" one to my parents... So that is a dream I will slowly have to start giving up. And it kills me inside.

But music will always remain apart of who I am, and will always be something they will never understand, and won't appreciate like I do. Only a scarce amount of people comprehend and appreciate it like I do, actually. Though I guess that's just how life is, and that I should eventually end my complaining.

Maybe.

My best friend.

Photography by Marina Vail:




As most of you know, I have a dear love for my best friend. I felt as though she deserved a whole blog post about her, for multiple reasons. I was going through her photography yet again today, and realized not only is she beautiful inside and out, but she is extremely talented as well. She has the same creativity level as me, if not it's higher, and I adore that about her. She can find an inner beauty in complex things, such as nature, from what I comprehend from her pictures, and it gives me chills. I would only be so confident to say that she is the most perfect young woman I could say I have ever met. She is not neglectful towards others at all, and is so extremely strong and independent. I can honestly say that I hope to be like her when I get older and wiser. Mind you, she is only a year older than me, but she is the kind of woman I aspire to be. Once she puts her mind to something, there is no stopping her, and I admire her ultimately for that. She has no idea how much I look up to her, and appreciate her. She also has no clue how much my family loves her, and considers her as a part of the family. MY family. And she definitely does not have a clue how much of an impact she has had on me. For whatever brought her into my life, I thank him, her, it; whatever. I feel like I have not written enough, but I know that I have put my point across, so I guess that is all I can possibly do.

So I guess all I really need to say is that I love you Marina Vail. You're my sister, and like my female Sean & Thomas, because I would consider you on the same level as then even though I haven't known you nearly as long. And that is such a good thing, considering you have always been there when they cannot be.

PS. I don't mean for this to sound corny, or like Andre/ Austin status. Hehe, just kidding. :)

The best thing I have ever read.

"I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity.' It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands and you feel so happy for them And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too."
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower


I feel like I don't need to explain this. It's already been brilliantly explained.
And let's just say that I'm not so proud & selfish anymore.

Stop calling, stop calling, I don't want to think anymore.

I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

Lady Gaga... Don't hide it. We all have one. To some it might be Britney Spears, to others it might be Beyonce. It's almost as if these people are our guilty pleasures, even though they shouldn't have to be. But as crazy as Gaga is, she's unique, and absolutely brilliant in her own kind of genius way. It took me a while to figure her out, but she's the real deal. And as original as they come. As long as she stays the true, insane Lady Gaga she is, I'll be here supporting her insanity. You go girl.

I still hear you in this old piano.

I decided to sight-read the first movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" tonight, because it's my absolute favorite piano composition, other than Chopin's nocturne op. 9 no. 2. I realized I loved it even more when I could comprehend the emotions Beethoven was trying to reveal through it. When I was feeling it; playing it; re-living it. I'm not saying it sounds perfect, or that I'm professional at it. It was just the ultimate feeling of finally understanding it, and not just admiring it.

But anyways, playing it brought back memories. A strong, yet sweet nostalgia made my bones grow cold. It brought back the memories spent with you; the most painful of times, yet the most beautiful times as well.

And it made me miss you. Well, not you, because it seems like this process of change has gotten to the best of you. And I as well. But I simply miss the feelings of perfection, yet sadness, at the same time, and the feeling of a never-ending roller coaster. Feelings that were impossible for me to even describe, and would make me seem completely mindless if I tried. Just the basic & cliche emotions of first love. They say you never forget your first love, so why do I find myself trying so incredibly hard to prove them all wrong? I feel selfish, yet practical. But I really don't know what, or how, to feel.

But I should keep my lips closed from this point on, because I don't want to make it appear like I want my past again. Because honestly, I don't. At all. I appreciate everything in my life right now, and I would be a fool to want it any other way. I just like to reassemble my memories every once in a while. To remind me who I am, and how I became to be.

Your redundant mistake.

I'm nothing but your redundant mistake.
The one who's love you refuse to partake.
You wrap and tangle me into your insufficient lies,
as I try so hard to hold back my heavy tears
while we exchange our repetitive good-byes.
I must say that it is so difficult when my heart is contradicting my mind,
and it is so capable of convincing me that you are the best I'll ever find.
I was taught from the beginning that there is no existence of true love,
and that it was so impossible and ignorant to even be written of.
But like these hammers and strings,
you are all that makes sense to me.
And just like my hammers and strings,
I refuse to make a redundant mistake.
So I watch you escape from my thoughts; my mind; my memory,
But I refuse to let you go from my heart; my song; my most blissful of a melody.

Cheer up,

Honey, I hope you can.

Tonight is a thinking night for me. I don't know why I'm feeling so morose, but I am. I have absolutely no reason of feeling this way. These are nights where I know my thoughts are utterly ridiculous. And I wish I could write them down, but I just can't simply seem to describe them in words. It's killing me.

"Distance has no way of making love understandable."

Words don't even matter to me anymore.

This proves everything. You didn't know it, but you've accomplished everything I've ever wanted.
I've always wanted someone to leave at my door nothing but a single red rose, and a sign of love. And you did just that.







Thank you.
This has been one of the best weekends of my entire life. And that is definitely not an exaggeration.

Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day to all.

"Simplicity is the ultimate satisfaction."

Sweet satisfaction.

I met my role-model; my influence; my reason for why I love music as much as I do today.
His name is Andrew McMahon, and saying that I'm in love with him and his music would be an understatement. I never thought someone could impact so much on my life. And I admire his strong-mindset and enamor for what he does. I could say a billion words describing how much I appreciate him, but I feel like that would only leave me with a billion more. So I'll leave it at here.



And to say that I'm happy would also be so understated. I'm more than happy. 2010 is going to be one of the best, or the absolute best, years of my life, I can feel it. Now I just need to knock on wood.

Do you care if I don't know what to say?

Will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend it's all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is...

Sometimes I wonder if liking someone is ever worth it. I feel like in the end, you're left this exaggerated feeling that it was all just a waste. But I think that when I finally look past the black & blue, I can always convince myself that the best feelings can come from that one person. The feeling of entire safety in their arms. The sweet satisfaction of butterflies in your stomach at just the sound of their name. The way you feel completely hypnotized whenever you're in their presence. The simple comfort of knowing that anyone could possibly feel that same exact way about you, and who you are. I believe it's the most understandable reason anyone could believe that you're close to feeling perfection. And they're all some of the most captivating emotions anyone could ever feel. Though sometimes, the worst kind of pain can reappear when it's over. And you have to brace yourself for an ending, because nothing lasts forever. It's probably just the selfish & pessimistic thinking of mine, but sometimes I need to keep my mind at a sense of reality. Because I'm one to get tangled up in my imagination and lose the realistic points in life. And as of right now, I can't help but wonder if you care about me half as much as I care for you. I'm probably making myself hurt for a hopeless nothing, but how could I know differently? There has been no evidence for you to prove otherwise. And I know I'm being selfish, but when I feel like this, it is so completely necessary.

Without you.

Without you here, a feeling of emptiness mocks me.
Without you here, every single thing seems to go hazy.
Without you here, I can't seem to properly collect my thoughts.
Without you here is when I realize that you're all that I've got.

I want you here, so desperately with every little tick on the clock.
I need you here, before my heart completely shuts itself with a lock.

Without you here, just breathing seems to make myself ache.
& Without you here, my smile is beginning to make itself more and more fake.

Just some more scribbles.

"Pounding In My Chest"

This pounding in my chest
is something that never seems to rest.
This passion of blood flows throughout my body
because just the thought of you always seems to overwhelm me.
With a flash your crooked smile, I suddenly know that you care
And an existence without you is something I cannot even think to bear.
The sound of your voice is one of my favorite harmonies,
And your touch is the completion to my most complex of melodies.
The shield I put between everyone I know is something that you can break
because your simple absence seems to make every part of me ache.
And I feel it is so necessary for me to tell you that
This pounding in my chest
is something that I just refuse to let rest.


"Your Only Decoy"

You're so full of self-confidence that nobody can destroy.
But I would be the first to know that, since I was nothing but their only decoy.
You endeavored to take my heart and pump my blood for me,
because you knew that you could give me the finest of a frenzy.
Now you leave here again, and I feel like nothing but a mistake.
Because these haunted memories you left with me are the memories that will never break.
But now that you're gone my eyes can see for miles and miles.
And now that you're gone, my heart will finally get what it most desires...
Love.

Sometimes...

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I took these pictures today...





Who knows. My emotions are extremely crazed right now and I honestly have no idea why.
I'm aching so badly from this feeling. I don't know how to handle it.

Early February scrambled thoughts.

So I honestly don't have a single certain thought to write about, but multiple scattered thoughts that I feel like I should just get down, and cleared out of my mind.

Thought 1: Change. I don't understand the concept of change. Well, scratch that, yes I do. Some change is good.. while some change is not so good. That's life, and what makes it so much of a thrill. But at the same time, I wish the bad change would put itself to a minimum. People I used to know so well have changed so greatly that even their closest friends can't bear with the pure thought of them anymore. Changes of perspectives and feelings, that cause so much chaos that is completely unnecessary. Change is something that needs to happen, but at the same time, can hurt so many people. Even with the smallest of a detail.

Thought 2: Things I say frighten you. I know it; I can tell. And I'm so paralyzed in thought to whether or not that is a good thing. I can't seem to stress that enough, because I feel as though I've said it more than a million times. I guess it's safe to say that I'm terrified of falling so hard again. I don't like hurt. But I must say that I do love your existence, if you couldn't already tell.

Thought 3: Sometimes I wish I didn't have to do what other people want me to. But hey, life isn't all about just you, right? You live for yourself, but you live for the people you love as well. Or call me stupid, that's my concept.

Thought 4: Why am I up so late? I used to be in bed at 10 or earlier, but lately I've been lacking sleep due to the fact that I cannot sleep. And it's not because I'm not tired.. it's because my mind is filled with troubled thoughts, and an aching pain in my stomach that grows each and every night away from you. Which leads me back to:

Thought 2: I miss you so much it hurts. I'm utterly ridiculous, impossible, and plain out stupid for this. I'm aware. But I've always believed that you can't control emotions. And there is no way I can get these ones under control, even if I gave an honest effort. But the truth is: I don't want to have to.

I'm so sick of just always dreaming.

I've never wanted to leave this city so badly before. Actually, that's false; but I still wish I could just leave here for a while. Nothing is wrong, I'm just so tired of everything and everyone here. Of course there's a handful of people that I'm not tired of.. but still. I want to go to Seattle. Absolutely beautiful, and made perfectly for me. And I may be just a dreamer... But hey. It gives me a view of where I want to be in the future.










Ever since day one, I've been told to set goals for myself. And this is what I want, and I've never been more determined.