Grudges solve nothing.

So why do all human beings feel as if they solve everything?
I don't understand. As I always say, you can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before they're just words and are just a waste of breath. Have I just been wasting precious air? I really hope not, because when I say "I'm sorry"... I mean it. But I guess that's not always for just me to decide. Or so it seems.

Konstantine.

"I can't imagine all the people that you know, and the places that you go when the lights are turned down low..."

As one of my final blogs for 2009, I figured I'd write about something that changed who I am as a person completely. Something that changed my life completely. Something that inspired me to live my life the way I do, and something that is more to me than it could be to anybody else I know. That something would be a song by the name of Konstantine. I never would have thought that a song could have so much power and could be so convincing to me and my everyday life.

"And you don't want to be here in the future, so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."

The first time I ever heard this song was from my best friend at the time. It was sort of like a love-at-first-hear kind of deal, because I played that song on repeat for nearly a month after that, I could swear to you. The lyrics were so beautiful and significant to me, and the melody could make me burst into tears from such elegance every time I played it. I immediately started learning it on piano, and I had it down almost within a week of learning it. I made it my own in a way, changing some rhythms and lyrics so it could be more personal to myself. Learning and analyzing this song is what showed me the true beauty of music that people fail to find in their life times. During the time period where I was learning it, I felt emotions that I could have never even imagined before. I felt like I was walking in some ravishing utopia, and that everything in the world made complete and total sense... but at the same time, it showed me such sadness that I would cry just playing the opening verse. I had never felt what it was like to truly be living before I was introduced to this song, so that makes me give all my thanks and gratitude to Carlee Oswald, because she deserves some credit for why I'm so interested in music, if I don't say so myself. Thank you.

"And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy."

This song has helped me through both my best, and worst times. I guess I will start with the worst, since that's always what people seem to want to hear. There was a time in my life where I felt such depression and had such pessimistic thoughts, that I never wanted to even bother seeing the light. No one could get through to me; not even my family or best of friends. This song seemed so realistic to me... almost like as if it were written just for me. It was almost like I had my own personal Konstantine. The lyrics were so strong and well-written, and just figuring out what Andrew really meant through it kept my mind off of all my restless and saddening thoughts. They were all so abstract and had a deeper meaning than just the beautiful words he decided to use... & I could tell that he was hurt. And badly at that. Just like me. And the fact he could be so clever about it seemed to amuse and inspire me more and more everyday. It still does. I could bet that I've listened to this 9 minute song more than a million times now, and I still don't know everything McMahon was feeling. But I'm content with that. Because that's the true beauty of music. A true musician is never fully understood.

"This is because I can spell confusion with a K, and I can like it.
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it.
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car.
When the first star you see may not be a star.
I'm not your star.
Isn't that what you said?..."

As for the ways this song helped me through the best times of my life? Sure, every time I play it or listen to it, I tear up and remember past times that I'd rather not... but this song is what showed me what I want to do forever with my life. Music. The reason I bang on my piano keys (not literally), and the reason I bother rosining up my bow for my viola. The reason I decided I want to start learning and analyzing more and more music; the reason I even picked up my guitar. And most of all... the reason I started writing music. I never thought I could get so much that needed to be said out in just simple melody. It makes me so ecstatic to think that something could be so understood, yet not at the same time... it's really something too unbelievable. But I'm more than happy that it's something that could be a part of my life,

"My Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like I do.
No, they'll never hurt you like I do.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...."

I could write so much more on how this song affected my life, but I would only begin to sound repetitive. And there aren't enough words in the English vocabulary that could fully describe it for me. No one understands what this feels like, and it's okay; I've accepted that. I get odd stares and giggles every single time I say I'm in love with Andrew McMahon and his musical brilliance; but I'm more than okay with that too, because I know why. & I honestly don't need to explain myself, because I am who I am, and I'll think what I want. I'll let whatever or whoever influence me, and what I determine seeing in life. But all I wanted to do was really spill on how much of an inspiration a song could be, and that everyone should find their own personal Konstantine. Not as in the person-wise, because everyone will eventually find him or her. But as in the song. I feel that if everyone could finally understand music, as in REAL music, not just the crap you hear on the radio daily... the world would become closer to peace, and understanding one another wouldn't be so impossible. I may be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

"Did you know I missed you?... I miss you."

The basic point of me writing this:
-I love music, and live it. And I can explain thoroughly why, unlike 99% of people that say that "it's their life." Really? Make your own reasons why, and don't sound so cliche. Everybody loves music; but there's a difference between loving it, and living it.
-Everyone should at least sit down for 9 minutes and give this song a listen. It's definitely worth your time. I promise.
-I feel like every man should think like Andrew McMahon, and be able to express their feelings like him.
End of story.

"Because we all need a little more room to live...My Konstantine."

Change.

So lately I've been truly contemplating if people can really change. Not just feelings-wise, because I know that is definitely possible. But I feel like I am always hearing songs on the radio about people singing about how they want to change themselves, and I find myself always wishing to change myself or someone else... but why do we all say things, then don't ever follow through? Or even think of following through. Maybe it's just the way human beings are instinctively. By saying things they don't really mean, or just being hypocritical in a way. But what I really want to know is if as a person... is it truly possible for someone to change themselves? I really would like to think so. Because I believe that I could change myself, if it were for the better. I mean, I've done it before for the worst.. so I don't understand why I feel like people are so incapable of changing for the good? I wish this could be true.

I've been thinking this lately due to personal problems. I feel like I should be able to trust someone very very much.. so why don't I? Why am I letting what people tell me change the way I feel, and change my perspective of him so that I don't trust this person as much? Can things in the past change once you've made a huge decision in your life? I would say yes. But that's just me, and it could be my female and deep viewpoint of things. Maybe from the male mind, this is all for fun, and maybe this isn't real. But I would absolutely hate to think that, and have it end up not being true. But then again, maybe what other people are telling me isn't accurate either? I think what I need to do is trust my first instinct and trust whomever I think I should. Because from what I can comprehend in my mind, is that I shouldn't have any reason to worry about anything. & I keep rambling because all these agitated thoughts keep crossing me and I don't know how to understand them. But I guess life is all about taking chances. Chances that turn into risks. That eventually change people, for either the beautiful, or the ugly.

This might result for the worst. This might result for the best. But I'm crossing my fingers that it's for the best, and my heart truly believes this as well. The worst thing that could happen is that I get hurt terribly again, but hey... that's how you learn. Right?

Merry Christmas.

I couldn't have asked for a better one.
Late-night skyping with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve. Woke up to wonderful gifts, such as Jack's Mannequin tickets, an underwater camera, an iHome, Urban Outfitters clothes, etc. I have my family coming over soon, and I couldn't be more appreciative of them. I have amazing friends who are always there for me, and care for me with everything in their heart.

I guess Christmas is another holiday that just makes me think about things like that. Life really isn't as bad as we all make it seem sometimes; I think all we really have to do is stop and smell the roses. Because in reality, their fragrances are what makes life so much greater than we all could even understand.

You give me butterflies.

So I reaaaally really didn't want to blog today, because I feel like I do it too much. But I promised myself whenever I have a feeling that I feel shouldn't be bottled up, I should let it out. And that is exactly what I'm about to do. But for a forewarning, these emotions that I'm feeling are about to make me type a way I usually don't. I'm okay with it though, I like them.

ALKSDFHAWELDJFCNASJEAWEOIASD AKLDSJFAS;KLDJFA;SKLDJCSLKDNAWI38R8EdsfasdfagasdfasPSICJW98EPOAJFKLS;DCMEIWfgasdgasdfsdfawefsdas8ARFJPOEIWEOPFADSKCMAIESOEFEWO8IACSKLMAWE;;SDLKFJASKLDJFASDFHKLAW3R8UPWOEIRUQ9KCSCMAASDFGHJKLHSAAHHHAF8JW8ESEGAHHHHHHH!!!! :)))) :) :) :) :) <3 :D :D :)))))))))

That is all.

Finally in the Christmas mood.

We finally got our Christmas tree tonight. I know, we're a little bit delayed considering Christmas Eve is in three days, but it made me really happy. I love walking into my house and smelling the sweet fragrance of it. It's one of my favorite things in the world, & nothing could make me any more thrilled. Now I just need to decorate this baby up.


The weather is finally getting cold, and we got some Christmas decorations up. Sure, Christmas is only 3 days away, but I wasn't really too eager about it, because I feel like it isn't even here yet. But now, everything is complete, and I'm in the spirit I wished to be in all along.

And quite honestly, life is amazing. Not including all the drama that has gone down in the last three days, I'm so extremely satisfied with everything in my life. I mean, there are definitely some things I've done that are NOT okay.. and some things I've said that shouldn't have. But you know what? It's nothing but a beautiful extinction now, & I'm finally ready to live my life.

The way I want to.

I believe in taking chances.

And this is a huge chance, that I'm more than willing to take.
I guess this is the moment when I see who will support me, who won't, and who will start spreading the rumors.
All I really have to say is: bring it.


12/19/09: H.W <3

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's."
~ Billy Wilder

I won't let go of this feeling.

You give me


I feel terrible, yet oh so alive again. I won't let go of this feeling.
I can tell this will be a bumpy, yet beautiful, ride.

Hate is a strong word,

but I really really really don't like you.

I hate you.

The pure thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. You disgust me beyond words with your self-centered actions. I feel like I could get away with your murder and sleep like a baby.
I've never felt such hatred, and I think that's why you hurt me this much. You showed me such a terrible feeling that I don't want to have to handle, but I will. Please, go waste your time (instead of mine) doing something productful and decent to the human world: go lay down in some corner and never open your mouth again. You don't deserve the basic right of freedom of speech, because you're so completely naive & simply moronic.

Mendelssohn, you are my only love.

I feel as if composers were the only men who actually weren't afraid to show their feelings, and understood most of life. Right now, Mendelssohn's music is the only thing that can make sense to me. The way the melody of Spring Song & Fingal's Cave flows through various parts of the orchestra so beautifully and the winds & horns are so abstract. I feel as though my best love will go to him, as well as Chopin and Beethoven. They understood so much of the world that was so deep that was not meant to be understood. And they are the only men that will ever have my true respect and honor. I want a man like them, not just a boy.



I've also come to a realization that I hate selfish and ignorant people. Actually, just make that person. I've never felt such loathing towards a human being before, and it's due to the fact that they cannot even listen, or comprehend for that matter, to what I have to say. They are too dense to have the common sense to think before they speak. Then they have the courage to point fingers at me, before even taking a second glance in the mirror to notice their own flaws. But then again, maybe they don't notice those mishaps because they are too full of themselves to even accept the fact that they aren't perfect, and that not everybody adores them. This shouldn't bother me, and I know I shouldn't be taking the effort to waste my precious thoughts on them, but sometimes I just wonder how someone becomes so self-absorbed. Is it due to their self-pity? Or is it because deep inside they aren't as positive and confident as they try to make it seem? All I know is that if I have the nerve to say something, or waste my breath on someone, it'll be to their face. Even if they don't listen, at least I can say that I'm not the ignorant one.

Oh life.

And by the way, I'm torn again. But this time, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to play my cards and hope I win a lucky game.

This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?

Days like today make me realize that life is beautiful.
No matter what situation you're in at the time being, it will always get better. Just stop and realize how amazing life really is. Think about all the good in life, and how much worse it could be.

Days like today are what I wish to have in the future, only every day. I want cloudy skies with rain, and radiantly colored trees. I want to be able to see my breath and draw pictures on ice on the window. I want to be able to sit by the fireplace, drinking coffee, warming myself up. I want to be able to take walks in this weather, hand-in hand with someone, just talking about life and enjoying the nature around us. That's what I want, always... especially in the winter. But living in Vegas, these days are so limited. So I just appreciate them while I can.

But oh, life is so beautiful. I couldn't picture it any more perfect.

"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you with every single word I said
It would come out insightful,
or brave,
or smooth,
or charming
And you'd want to call me..."

Emotional overload.

I'm about to sound like a terrible person, so if you cannot handle that, I would advise you to stop reading now. Just a little head's up.



Song Lyrics that can relate to my life right now:
"Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through
To let me fall from you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?"

"You gave me strength and helped me grow
And now it's time to be on my own
I hope you know this was difficult.
A part of you is a part of me
And will always be
So hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand"

"I can be your favorite blue jeans with the holes in the knees in the bottom of the top drawer
I can be a little beauty queen
Just a little out of reach and the girl living next door
I'll be your angel giving up her wings if that's what you need
I'd give everything to be your anything
To be your anything."....

As you can see, this last week has been like an emotional roller coaster ride, although it's probably only half way over. I haven't felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time (like this) in a while; I like it. I've made some difficult decisions, decided who I want to keep in my life and who I don't, and gotten closer to people that I've wanted to all along, but couldn't. And for the most part, I'm happy. I'm happy with the path I took after life gave me one of the most confusing obstacle courses I could have thought of for being this young. Of course, I'm still upset that I had to hurt people along the way, all due to my selfishness. But sometimes that's all you have to be in order to get by; selfish. And of course, I'm upset by the thought of hate being so popular between people, and so easy for people to do. But it's alright. I have my best friends by my side, and I'm content with who this will make me. "Life is like a story written in permanent marker; you can't erase it, you just have to keep going."

All in all, no matter what has happened recently: I am happy. And I don't regret a single thing.

Confusion is so hard to spell with a K..

Life (As defined on dictionary.com): a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul

If only it could be that easy. I'm so unexperienced with these new feelings that I'm feeling. I'm regret-less, selfish, and satisfied. I feel as though I did nothing wrong, except for what I thought was best. And that really wasn't wrong, just unpleasant to other people. Others would beg to differ. And I understand your side. But the thing I don't appreciate is the fact that people are going to start unnecessary things, and say unnecessary words. I am human too, believe it or not. The Kati that everybody knows would like to start her own life sooner or later, and doesn't always want to be around to please you. I hurt and feel emotions as well. & I haven't changed. I never did. So please don't encourage those thoughts. But what I'm here to clear up is that my feelings changed. Which I think is completely reasonable for someone my age. If you can't handle that, then that's your problem. But you want nothing to do with me anymore? That makes me sad that you aren't flexible. SO sad. I bend and twist to understand everything everyone has to say, and support them. But I make one decision and I feel as though everyone I thought promised me they would never turn on me... did.

And that brings me back to my introduction... life. This is it. You only get one. No, there isn't a utopia after I die for me to go to, and look back happily on all the regrets I made in life and say an "I'm sorry" and have everything be okay. That's not how it works. After you're done, you're done. Whether this is your opinion or not, I don't care. I may sound cruel and uncaring, but I'm not; just frustrated. Frustrated that I can't think the way other people do, and I would apologize for that, but I don't think I should. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before those two words start to mean nothing, and are just a waste of breath.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that's what I was, and what I currently am: sick and tired.
& I plan to change this. And fast.

If I hurt you, then I'm sorry.

Please don't think that this was easy.

But this will be good. For both of us.
I just wish I would've handled it differently... but I can't change that now.
I'm sorry.

I hope that you can love me enough to let me go.

I hate myself.

A lot.

Words can't even begin to describe my confusion. I can't sleep because of all my restless thoughts. I'm shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach because I'm so disgusted with myself. From the beginning my parents taught me to always do what's right and best for me, no matter who it upsets. But I just can't lead myself to do it. I'm so obsessed with the thought of pleasing everyone else in the world, and making sure everyone else is happy. Because that's who I am, and who I want to be. But I never thought it would hurt this bad... I need time to think. I've never hated myself so badly before.

I'm a mess, I guess.

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day; It was cold, and rainy. The perfect weather. My favorite band is getting back together to perform in March, after not performing together for almost 10 years. The perfect news. I have an orchestra concert tonight that I know will go just fine, and I'm playing my first legit symphony in it. The perfect accomplishment.

But I'm torn. I have a huuuuge decision to make, and soon. I know there will be some consequences, and that some people just won't understand. I also know that some people will just think I was stupid, and that they saw it coming. Others will probably never talk to me again, or call me nasty and unnecessary names. And of course there will be the ones that WILL understand, and will support me and my decisions. But the fact of the matter is, that I'm only a teenage girl. Feelings come and go, and some come uncalled. I can't control myself sometimes, and I hate myself for it. But I need to do what needs to be done.. although it may not be for a while. Just because I need time to think it out.

I just hope that in the end I will make the right decision. I'm not willing to make another mistake that I'll regret.

Late-night confusion.

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." ~Blaise Pascal.

Am I such a terrible person to feel this way? Am I selfish, or impatient? I never expected this to happen. How could I want so much all at once, but not think of others and how they would feel? How could my heart be so uncontrollable, yet so unkind? This isn't me... but maybe it is who I am becoming? I'm still so young, but I know what these mixed feelings are. And I don't know whether to feel insensitive or alive.

I am disappointed in myself. But at the same time, I know what's right... and I won't have the courage to do it.

Cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.

I am feeling very nostalgic today.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy where I am today, and I'm so content with life right now.. But I can't help but miss old times. I miss my old friends, the way things used to be, and old love. It's true that I've finally realized everything happens for a reason, and to focus on the present rather than the future or past. But I will always have my past and memories; and I like to look back on them every once in a while. There were good times & even great times.. but along with those, there were times of desperation and regret. There are times I will never get to have again, or change. But those are days who made me who I am today, and I can't say that I'm a terrible person. Although I won't lie... sometimes I just miss the way everything used to be.

I guess all that I can do is keep looking forward. I'm completely satisfied with life, and I wouldn't have it any other way at the moment. This is perfection, and I couldn't ask for any more.

"It's never safe to be nostalgic about something until you're absolutely certain there's no chance of its coming back." ~Bill Vaughn

Why hello Winter.

If only one day I could have a winter like this.. not one when it's literally hot in the afternoons.

It's December. Already. Oh, how these years go by faster than I would have ever thought. Next year will be 2010, and I will be 16. I can't even think of it; it's too unbelievable to me. I feel like 2007 was just about two minutes ago, and three years was way too long to wait... But that's a touchy subject. That doesn't even matter anymore.

ANYWAYS,

December is definitely my most favorite month of the year. It's filled with warm feelings, and (usually) cold weather. It makes me so happy to see others so happy during this time of the year. I love holiday music, light decorations on houses, candy canes & Christmas trees, and just even Christmas commercials when I'm watching TV. They give me the most lively feelings. I also love how much closer I feel to family and friends. This is the month where I realize how much they really mean to me. My adoration for this month is indescribable.

I have so many things going on this month, as well. No, I am not swimming state, and this is my first year not doing that. But it was for personal reasons, so hate me for that if you wish. It's not like I would do any good for the team with the way I've been swimming, anyways. But I DO have three orchestra concerts coming up next week, on the 7th, 8th, and 12th. I am so excited to play in these, because I have worked so hard for them, and I will be playing my first LEGIT symphony on the 7th and 12th (YESSS!) Basically, this month will be the month where I show everyone that I do love music more than I ever did swimming.

So all that I'm trying to say is that December is my love month.

PS. There might be a possibility of me playing here over next Thanksgiving... Big deal? YES.