I figured I'd spill my lovey dovey feelings on here, since nobody reads this anymore, and I'm dying to get this out.

But nope. I'm not falling again. There's no way.
I don't think about you more than anything else in this world.
I don't always want your arms wrapped around me.
I don't love the way you kiss me.
I don't like the feeling of your fingers wrapped with mine.
Thinking about you never makes me giggle like a fool,
and talking to you doesn't make me smile like an idiot.
I totally can focus on everything, because you're never on my mind.
I don't miss you every second of the day.
I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you for long periods at a time.
Your laugh isn't the cutest melody that's ever been played through my ears.
Your voice isn't the sweetest sound I've ever heard.
I don't like running my fingers through your hair.
Looking into your eyes doesn't give me a fluttery-butterly feeling in my gut.
Your eyes aren't the most gorgeous shade of brown I've ever looked into.
Not every song reminds me of you,
I can't stand the way your jaw pops...
Your smile isn't the greatest one I've ever seen.
and I don't wish you were here right now.
because I only like you a little bit. And you aren't my everything right now.
We're nothing more than a phase, because nothing ever lasts.
Love isn't real. And neither is the way you make me feel.

And everything I just said was a complete and total lie.
I like everything about you. I love everything about you.
I am falling for you. And I'm falling hard.

I don't mean to sound crazy, or creepy if you will.
I just wish that you feel the same way about me too.
And it scares me to know that you can read this, just in case you don't. And the chances of you reading this are slim to none. I just had to get this out, so hopefully this blog isn't as popular as it used to be.

I just kind of like you. That's all.

I want to write.

So badly...

But I have nothing to say.

This is just another chapter in my book of life.

Everything has to fall apart before it can come together... right? And I still believe that everything happens for a reason.

I received some terrible news today, although I had seen it coming for the last couple of years. I just can't seem to embrace it, and it's killing me. I want to understand more than I should, look past everything and look for the faults. But I can't, and guilt can't help but overcome me. Even though none of this can possibly be my fault.

And I want to write about it. Write it all down, and vent all my emotions. But I can't, because it's far too personal and must not be read by others, especially those of you who aren't close to me at all.

I just have to say my mom is the most amazing person out there, in this world. She's so strong and confident when she has reasons not to be. I love her more than anything else I could possibly imagine.

He never ever saw it coming at all.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved. Oh, no ones got it all.

Oh life. Isn't it wonderful? And why yes, I do have the time to write about it at this very moment, because it's what I like to do. I mean, that's just if you were wondering... or making fun of it. I DON'T KNOW. I'm just saying. I would say I'm pretty decent at this writing thing too. It's also a better choice to spend my time rather than, let's say, gossiping about how a girl could be so "desperate" or a "slut" by twisting and reconstructing her words and actions into the way you wish it was. Or texting her pretending to be her ex-interest and doing nothing more than wasting precious moments alive. Or maybe even looking at her old blog posts about her times of anguish and misery, and doing nothing more than pointing and laughing. I mean, a girl in pain must obviously be hilarious. Especially if you have nothing better to laugh about, or enjoy. Or if you're just plain out pathetic. I've just got to get it out that if you were an agglomeration of boys doing that... oh man oh man oh man. You would have to be worse than the most ignorant girls I know or have heard of. But I DON'T KNOW. I'm just saying. I mean, if that were the case, but I wouldn't know anyways.

But moving on, no, I am definitely not sad. Maybe I was a tad humiliated in the beginning, but now I feel simply silly for feeling such despondency. I mean, the amount of compliments and admirations of my work and writing can't even compare to a one-night's moronic insults from opinions that mean nothing. I mean, there was only like, three guys that would even imagine of doing this. But I'm smarter than you may think, because I would never, ever name names. I think it's more fun that way, don't you? And who says I'm even saying this happened? Because as far as I'm concerned I'm just sharing feelings about the worst case scenarios.

I thoroughly relish writing my feelings down on paper, or my blog. I enjoy taking my emotions and making them into words that I can't say aloud, or face-to-face. It's a way of hiding, in a way, but staying sane. I also turn them into music, and write songs. Sometimes I record them, sometimes not. But either way, it still occurs. Ah, and some of you would know that already. You, being no one in particular. Obviously. But I don't think I need to explain myself anymore. Because I'm not deleting this blog, and I'm not changing the fact I like to shelter myself and my feelings behind these words. And honestly, you don't have to like it. If you don't then don't read it. If it entertains you for the wrong reasons, then that's unfortunate for you. But I don't apologize, and it's not upsetting me anymore. And believe it or not, there are people that enjoy reading my thoughts and emotions, or respect what I have to say. Those are the people that I love, and that I will respect in return. Unlike others... but once again, I refuse to name names.

I mean, I could post a picture of me with my two middle fingers up to the camera. That could've served as the thousand words I wanted to say in this blog post within a simple picture. But hey, I've already been there done that, and I'm not one to repeat history. And besides, this was a little bit more amusing for me anyways.

So in conclusion, I'm happy. Extremely and totally cheerful and elated. And I don't care about anybody's harsh or rude opinions anymore. Because I do not give a shit.
Fuck you. & Have a nice day.
Love always,
Katarina Ana Velazquez


PS. Words that you find it difficult to understand, I advise Dictionary.com. It's a pretty good website for people of little intelligence and a small vocabulary. And I'm going to be nice and put this blog into simpler terms for you so it's easier for you to comprehend, because I know reading this whole thing was NOT easy for you: I don't like mean people. Stop being mean.
Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so thoughtful.

PPS. BOOM ROASTED.

A sudden depart.

This poem has no flow, and is just a bunch of rambling from me in no organization in whatsoever.
It plain out sucks. But hey, it got some emotions out.


This misery is so repeated,
and these tears have become a simple routine.
But to my misfortune, I'm still left feeling hurt,
because you threw words at my heart that you obviously did not mean.

I never deliberated that it could happen in the snap of your finger;
in the blink of my eye;
in the fall of a raindrop;
or that it would make me want to fall down and cry.

I loathe at the fact that I didn't see it coming,
For not seeing that this was your intention from the very start.
And now you leave me hanging, feeling worthless,
leaving me out on display as your most catastrophic work of art.

But you never cared for art, did you?
You never considered things that I admired.
I was your boring, nightly entertainment
but it's clear I was nothing that you had ever desired.

Such apathetic happenings
leave me feeling nothing but despondent.
And as I struggle and turn, agitated in my bed,
I can tell that your eyes are shut with feelings of content.

Anger is flowing through my veins,
but the melancholy makes it too overwhelming to notice.
You have blinded me, to the sight of my own pain
and my eyes are finding it impossible to refocus.

So I hope everything is just how you wanted,
as I fall asleep to the pumping of my pitiable heart.
And my mind can't help but scream "Fuck you",
as I wistfully watch the last, and most sudden, of my torturous departs.

I thought you were worth every tear drop that is falling from my face,
and I find that my biggest abhorrence is that I was right.
I never measured up to your perfection, and never could if I tried,
So I guess I am deserving of this other sleepless night.

No more days.

I'm done with writing stupid letters to make myself write. When I want to write, I will. Hopefully I'm not permanently uninspired, or down, because I love it. My mind is just blank right now.

And I can tell you right now I hate it more than anything.

Awkward infatuation.

So I finally started writing again. And it is oh-so-satisfying.

This can't be right,
I can't possibly be falling again.
Because if it's true, then I am still so dismally naive,
And I will fall harder than Seattle rain.

But in your arms, I felt the peak of my euphoria
I was no longer despondent; I didn't lack a feeling of protection.
I felt more alive than I had in 5 enduring months;
& something tells me you weren't fooling me with distorted affection.

I am so exhausted of cultivating abandonment;
I just want you here by my side,
With our conflicting personalities and awkward infatuation,
We somehow find a way where we can collide.

Outside thoughts laugh with their contemptuous smiles,
believing I'm nothing but intensely enamored.
But I don't believe my thoughts are as fabricated as they appear,
and I will pay no attention to their cynical clamor.

This has to be right,
I am foolishly falling again.
I know in the end you'll be nothing but another consecutive regret,
but I'm convinced that you're worth the pain.

I finally have something to say.

And it might be sad that it's this. But I'm so satisfied this feeling is back. It's almost like I need it to breathe, even though that's not true... I guess it just always feels like the cherry on this un-finished pie.

But there's this boy; and the way he laughs, slaps a smile to my face. The way he talks, sends butterflies to my tummy. And maybe, just maybe, everything about him makes me happy.

And for some reason, I feel some sudden poems, lyrics, etc coming up. Inspiration is back, with this arising happiness, and the inevitable sadness that will come along with it.

Summer bucket list.

My best friend and I decided to make a list of things we'd like to accomplish before this summer is over. For the feeling of fulfillment, and to serve as a reminder that this was as amazing of a summer as we'd like it to be.

-make a stop motion video of gummy bears being cannibals
-have a photoshoot
-make a tye dye t shirt
-write another song similar to "Tika and Narima"
-hang out by the pool for a whole day
-go to a beach
-dress up like twins for a day
-have a "Mini People Only" day
-make a secret language
-get rid of our awesome swimmer tanlines
-have paint war
-own an egg child and keep it alive for a day
-go walking places and have an adventure
-dress up in the 80's styles and go to starbucks
-create an epic stop-motion video
-go on a double date
-watch 10 Things I Hate About You & 500 Days of Summer
- Get a big sheet of white paper and finger paint!
- Go outside and blow bubbles!
- Take a friend to a playground and swing!
- Enjoy some chocolate milk
- Fly a kite!
- Color in a coloring book!
- Run around in the summer rain!
- Take silly pictures with a friend!
- Make cupcakes!
- Go rollerskating!

To be continued...




As for a list of my own personal things?
-hang out with Sean Smith for 24 hours and not get bored once
-complete an entire swim practice without cheating once.. haha
-learn a new dance
-make a new friend
-kiss a boy
-finish and perfect a Bach piece on my viola
-play an electric viola/violin
-write, compose, and record a new personal song
-fill in the gaps in my teeth!!!
-spend more than 2 hours practicing any instrument of mine
-lose my "fat pouch"
-limit the sadness; be happy

Summer 2010... I'm so ready for you.

Team-up Thursday: Celebration.

This week was celebration. Any kind of way of showing it, or what you really think it is. Everything was really last minute for both of us, it's getting harder and harder for me to come up with ideas. But I don't mind it, really.
Marina's on top, mine on bottom.

Judgemental.

I find it so amusing that people can so easily point their dirty fingers at you before realizing that it's such a hypocritical action of their own. Or the fact that their definition of a word can be so completely opposite of yours, but they're too close-minded to realize it, and keep their mouths & worthless opinions shut. They waste those seconds envisioning the way they can insult you best, hoping to be the cause of your downfall. The worst part is that they can be, and WILL be... but only if you let them. I absolutely refuse, because only I will be the cause of my downfall. I don't care what people have to say about me anymore, because either way, I'll do what I want. And I'll do what's best for me, and only me, in the end. Don't tell me what I'm feeling; I promise you that I can comprehend my heart. Don't tell me what I'm thinking; I promise you that I understand my rambling, chaotic thoughts that consume my mind. But most above all, don't tell me who I am or where I'm going, because I am the only person that truly knows this, and you're an absurd idiot if you think you know me better than I do.

I know I've made terrible mistakes and that I've hurt people in my past, and that I will continue to make these terrible mistakes and hurt more people in the future. But at least I'm somewhat intelligent to accept this, and not judge other people for it. We are all human, and no one is smarter than the other when it comes to life. Albert Einstein couldn't even tell you why we're here if he tried. But that's what makes this all so worth-while. I just wish people could open up their ignorant eyes to see the true beauty that's around them, and focus on bettering their own lives rather than wasting minutes in their only life by telling other people how to live theirs.

Sometimes all I need is

This.


I'm going to miss my swim family dearly. They're the only reasons I swim these days anyways. Until next season, I guess.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

Because I know you are. You aren't truly happy, and you won't find anyone else for a while who felt the way I did about you. You're too ignorant to realize that, though. And I can honestly say that I am done with you. Completely and fully. I don't have much to say other than good-bye. And hello to a whole new and different person.

"I am heaven sent; don't you dare forget."

Team-up Thursday: Time/Clock.

So this week's Team-Up could either be of a certain time, or of just a clock. And surprisingly, being the best friends that we are, Marina and I both did time; and the same time at that. I really loved Marina's, but I just love all of her photos.
Her's on top, mine on bottom:

Team-up Thursday: Looking Up/Down.

Today's week was hard to come up with in a way. So we decided to make it somewhat broad, and make it "Looking Up or Down" from our stance. Without knowing, both of us did opposites. My picture was from my upward looking point of view from a wonderful TP job (Thank you guys!) in my tree, and Marina's was from her downward point of view of what is basically her life. I love both pictures this week.
Marina's on top, mine on bottom:

Anxiety.

Only one more day until I can finally have time to breathe again.
And a week until I get to leave this beat-up city for a couple of days. I can't wait.

Oh man, oh man, oh man.

I figured I would post some pictures of the "revenge" I was supposed to be receiving last night. I actually found this all extremely funny. And it only took me about 15 minutes to clean up. Not too bad. But thanks, whoever, for making my morning laugh.






Oh, and they also left behind little piece of evidence...

Perfection.

Team-up Thursday: Eyes.

I thought this week's theme was going to be a piece of cake, until yet again I realized that one week is not enough time for me to do what I want. Especially this week, and next week as well, because I am as busy as any 16 year old my age can be. And I suppose that's what I get for signing myself up for about a billion different things. But that's a whole different story and a whole other blog post.

But Marina did an amazing job this week, I love her picture! Her's on top, mine on bottom.

And the truth is

I miss you.

No matter how hard I try not to. Whether I want to or not, this feeling of loneliness won't go away. And after trying so relentlessly for so many times to convince myself I'm better off without you, I still have yet to. I'm pathetic, I know. Dense, that as well. But feelings are so much more than words said. And my feelings have yet to fade away, or feel any kind of hatred. And believe me, it is definitely not by choice.

"You can't miss what you forget."
And believe me, I'm trying so hard for you to be nothing but an forgotten reminiscence.

Team-up Thursday: Beverages.

Oh I love random themes. Don't have much to say about this one either.
Marina's on top, mine on bottom.

After everything,

I must confess I need you.

Why do you do this to me? You make this so much more difficult... but I'll admit that every inch of my body aches with hope. False hope, that is.
I just really could use a wish right now. A wish that would come true.

Oh dear.

I'm going to have to admit this finally. I need to let it out, and get this terrible truth off of my chest. The truth is: Taylor Swift, you are slowly become a guilty pleasure of mine with your cliche little love songs. The ones that are so simple they could be written by me, and your repeated use of lyrics in multiple songs, which is understandable since they are all about the same things. I'm beginning to actually enjoy your angry songs about those douchebags that cheat on you, or about those boys that let go then suddenly want you back. It just makes me realize that you are right; they are all the same.

"I said leave, but all I really want is you
to stand outside my window throwing pebbles
screaming I'm in love with you
wait there in the pouring rain coming back for more
and don't you leave, cause I know all I need
is on the other side of the door."

A scattered mess.

Start the scene,
enter innocent girl and breath-taking boy
Although he is the one that makes her heart pound with insanity;
she will soon find out that she was nothing but his beautiful decoy.

She already thought she had served her suffering,
and that this scene was nothing but a repeated exaggeration,
because with a simple flash of his crooked smile
she couldn't obsesses with anything except this permanent infatuation.

But she was depressingly mistaken,
for she was about to feel her own flash flood of pain.
Because these were the teardrops than would cut deeper than a sword,
and these were the endless nights that caused her head to go absolutely insane.

And after it all, the only thing that she could get herself to wonder
was if that other girl was really worth all this mess?
That other girl that had stolen away her only amour,
The other girl that he just wouldn't confess...

And I miss the colors in your beautiful eyes,
and the way I tried to avoid your obvious, foolish lies
I miss your dazed kiss and your stupid little hat,
and the way you could make me smile just like that.
I miss your ever-fulfilling laughter
and how your love was something I was so thrilled to chase after.
I miss the late night conversations filled with stories of disguise,
and how I thought you were so much different from all the other guys.
So I finally broke down crying,
because we still broke apart despite how hard I was trying.
I'm simply wishing to lie in your arms one last time
waiting for myself to make up just one more naive little rhyme..

And this is where I realize that I'm trying to convince myself
that I don't need you...
But I do.
I do.

Team-up Thursday: Friendship.

I had a last-minute scramble for my picture, but I think it turned out better than I had expected. I'm starting to find some of these themes difficult to find within a week, on top of my bundle of stuff to do as well.
Mine on bottom, and Marina's on top.




Credit to Kaylee for choosing this week's theme.

Ben Gibbard, I love you.

"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her, but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."
- Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie.

This song is the most brilliant song I've heard in a while. I'm glad it appeared on my shuffle so I could be reminded of it again. Even though this song is so sadly represented in my life in so many different ways. Ben Gibbard, the day I can find a guy that can word things just like you is the day I will ever start to believe in love again. Oh, and Andrew McMahon of course.

Team-up Thursday: Sadness.

Okay... so maybe I'm a tad bit late. But it's okay, I was in Walnut, California for a swim meet. This week's theme was sadness. I took a more of a depressing route than Marina, but her picture was amazing as well.
Her's on top, mine on bottom.

They say to forgive and forget.

I'm such a forgetful person, I must admit that first before all.
In fact, I'm so mindless that I have to write things on my hand in order to remember them. Every single day, you'll see me with some sort of information on my hand, whether it be to turn something in, to go say hello to someone, or even my math assignment for the night. I just need it there to serve as a reminder because my days are busy, sometimes I forget to do the smallest of tasks. So today, I considered writing your name on my hand, that way I would never forget you.
Well.... I didn't.

I guess it's what they say.

"A picture is worth a thousand words."
I hope this picture is worth the thousand words that I want to say to you.



I'm done.

A short stanza of indescribable emotions.

How much would it cost
to repair this broken heart?
Because there is no amount of money I could pay
to refrain me from feeling so lost.
I want so badly to believe that my songs weren't just a perish of your time,
because I have wasted so much ink and effort on you,
but I guess it was true when people said you were so extremely self-centered,
because you left me feeling nothing but used.

Another endless song.

Am I nothing but a fading voice in your head?
Or a discontent feeling,
such as heartache where love is all you bled,
and received nothing in return.

Do you think that she adores you like I do?
Do you think her heart skips a beat when you walk into the room?
Would she give it up, give it all for you, if it were just to make you smile?
I think not. Because the only girl that would ever do this,
is right in front of you.

My chest had never pounded so hard,
until the day I heard the news.
How can someone make me feel so insignificant,
yet bring such a beautiful rush that I simply can't refuse?

Do you think that she adores you like I do?
Do you think she would ever lay down and die for you?
Would she give it up, give it all for you, if it were just to make this stop?
I think not. Because the only girl that would ever do this,
is right in front of you.

You tell me that I'm magnificent,
but could these all just be your never-ending lies?
You tell me that our feelings are so close to being mutual,
but all you're proving are your needs for these ever continuous goodbyes.

Do you think she could ever give a fuck about you like I do?
Do you think she would go countless nights of no sleep, just thinking about so many different ways to keep you?
Do you think she would pour her heart out, and hand it to you for absolutely no pay?
Would she turn her head the other way
just to prevent herself from feeling her throbbing pain,
and say she would give it up, give it all for you, just to end her everlasting and unbearable torture: the thought of losing you?
... Every ounce in my body thinks not. Because the only girl that would ever do this,
was right in front of you.

These goosebumps have never brought me so much false hope,
and these stars have never carried so many of my tears.
They say that love is something that not every boy wants,
and that love is so much more difficult to exchange than it ever seems to appear.
And I was trying so hard to prove them all wrong,
but all I've been left with is another sleepless night,
another crack in this pitiful heart,
and for you: another stupid, endless song.

Team-up Thursday: Color.

This week's theme was color. I was lucky enough to be able to go to Oregon last weekend, with the most colorful of flowers blooming at the beginning of Spring. Marina's picture is amazing as well.
Hers on top, mine on bottom.

An ocean away.

We're an ocean away and a twilight apart,
if the clouds would disappear
we could look at the stars,
& every single brilliant spec would represent a piece of my heart.

But these clouds bring me a paramount happiness;
feelings of confidentiality and thought.
yet how long before emptiness is all that preoccupies me?
and how long until this love is gone: this love that I had forever sought?

Miles are just numbers of despair for a heart,
& distance is just another excuse for it to break in two.
But my mind cannot accept this unrealistic truth,
because there is no limited amount of distance that ceases me from missing you.

Team-up Thursday: Happy.

Yes, I'm aware it's not Thursday. In fact, it is 2 PM on a Wednesday. But let me explain this Team-up Thursday idea, then explain my reasoning for doing it this week on Wednesday. Well first off, a couple of nights ago my best friend talked to me and said she wanted to do this weekly, and I know how much she loves photography, and how much I'm starting to admire it, so I said of course. It's basically where we take one theme, and we both take a picture representing what that theme means to us. Then every Thursday we will post these pictures on my blog, and it's just an enjoyable project for the both of us. Now, for the reason I will be posting these pictures today: 1) Both of us have taken our pictures already and 2) I'm leaving for Oregon tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get the internet access to post this blog. So here goes our first Team-up Thursday.

Theme of the week:

Happiness

Marina's photo on top, mine on bottom.

Creativity.

“Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple.”
-Charles Mingus.

Complication.

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.”

This is such a complicated situation. So many hear-says, so many rumors, so many lies... yet only one selfish person to blame. It suddenly makes me realize how life really is, and how it's going to be. You think you're sailing smooth, and nothing could possibly destroy this satisfaction that you've been building up, but in a blink of an eye, it can all disappear. Something so great, slowly disintegrating... and only, ONLY, because of one selfish and ignorant person. And it saddens me. You never take the time to appreciate what you have until it parts from you. Then you're left with nothing but feelings of regret, and a frown upon your face. But I have no intention of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, or for anyone else, because this change is not something that I can control, or that I can change back. I'm ready to be a leader, to continue with this great program that had been set up for the best. To keep it at the best. And all I would like from others is to build up the courage and to have the same mind thought as me, because no matter how much hatred could be spiraling at this one person right now... it won't change a thing. Let's just try to make this complicated situation simple, by sucking up our pride, trying our hardest, hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

And in reference to this selfish person... it makes me try to see from their viewpoint. But I simply can't. Do they look around them and see nobody but themselves? Do they not even put in thought about what they might have ruined for others, when they themselves won't be effected by it later? Do they not even comprehend how much hurt & betrayal others are feeling, rather than just thinking about their self-inflicted pain? I can't understand. And no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll be able to have that capability. Because I am being risen to think about others before yourself, and to think before you do. And it upsets me that not everyone is being taught the same way.

This is what I need more of.

Practice time.
I love hours spent productively with my viola. Or my piano. Or my soon-to-be-owned violin. Even my guitar. Closing my bedroom door for hours at a time, not having anything but the thought of music crossing my mind. The feeling of a warming up numbness in your arms. Not being aware of what other clutter is going on your life right then and there; that feeling of forgetting the world for a little while. The frustration when you aren't quite getting it; the feeling of accomplishment once you finally do. Just any quality time with an instrument is all I need in my life. No human being could bring me this much happiness, nor do I want them to. Because then I feel that I just might lose this absolute passion that I withhold, and I would never even think of risking such a thing.

Oh.. and I would appreciate some more sleep as well.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

I feel far more than cliche for posting Paramore lyrics, but what can you do.

My parents' ignorance can be so overpowering sometimes. They let their mega-republican mindsets get in the way of my dreams, and it upsets me more than they could even imagine. As I've posted in many previous blogs, it's obvious that Seattle, Washington is my love. It's the town where I would like to go to school. It's the town I find extreme beauty in. It's the town where I would like to spend the rest of my life.

First things first, I understand that Washington is a mainly Liberal state, it is what it is, and I'm completely okay with it because I myself have a moderate way at viewing politics. I could honestly careless; a city is a place to live and love, not one huge politics debate. But my parents swing their words in ways to make me feel like I have no motives. I have no strong mindset. That I'm not independent. That I'm nothing but a "stupid Liberal". But I know who I am, and who I aspire to be, so I try to disregard their irrational and hurtful words. They are so judgemental, and I honestly think that their heads are too biased to understand anything that could be running through my mind. They don't understand the beauty of music, and my love for it; they just understand the major competition of swimming, and always having to be first. They view winning and money as everything, and that is farthest away than my view. I do not view life in that way in the slightest. I view life as this: We're here for the ride, and we'd might as well enjoy it, whether we get money from it or not. I believe we should work hard for the things we love because we love them, not because it can gather us the highest possible income. But unfortunately, my parents do not have that same thought of mind. And it's probably my sensitivity, or perhaps my generation, but I would like at least a little bit of understanding from them every once in a while.

And it's okay, first, they don't want me to attend music school, and won't allow me to be a music major like I would like to be, because "it is not a real job". Obviously I do not agree with them there, but I am trying to understand that they would like what's best for me. It's no big deal, I'll just major in English instead, my second passion. But this is where they have crossed the line. They have officially said they will not help me pay for my schooling if I end up getting accepted into The University of Washington. My dream. The only true goal that I have in life. The only thing I've wanted so bad that it hurts. And I can't have it, because my parents have no trust, or faith, in me. And all they can possibly think about is themselves, or the way these dazed politics work these days. I haven't quite decided on that yet.

So this is my conclusion, and my decision: I am going to try harder than anything to get as much scholarship money in as many ways as I can. I will save my money for college, rather than wants such as a car or clothing. I don't need their help. I'll show them that I truly am independent. I want to do this on my own if they have no desire of helping. I'll pay for my own schooling if I have to. I know what I want, and I will do anything to get it. And that is not changing now. I won't even allow my parents to rain on my parade.

All I know is at this point, I'm upset, yet far more determined than I ever was before. And I can't help but wonder that maybe this was their intention all along.

March 16, 2010.

Hm. Who would've known I would almost completely forget this date? I'm aware it serves no significance anymore, but I still find it interesting to just think about things. I like it.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Trust.

I can trust my boys. First and foremost. They're like my big brothers; always there to catch me when I fall. Call me ignorant when necessary. Would kill the people that even attempted to hurt me just a little bit. They can make me laugh in any absolute given situation, and know exactly what they can do to make me smile. They're who I will always go to first for advice, or the first people I will go crying to when there is too much on my mind. They will make sure they're shoulder is always open for my head to rest, and are my basic support. So I love you Sean Smith & Thomas Meek; you are my main trust-guys. It's satisfying to know that I am able to trust at least some males.

I can trust my girls. They are there to listen to my complaining, and listen to every single detail of my current life. They know me better than I know myself, and know when I have my head too high in the clouds. I can trust them with never letting me down, and they definitely are my favorite people to hang out with. So I love you Marina Vail, Maddy Dolginoff, and Sarah McKay; you remind me that not all girls are selfish, and actually care about others. .

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." And I love you, I'm pretty sure. But I do not think I can trust you. No matter what you might be feeding my mind through your words. Words mean nothing unless they are backed up by actions. And your actions are definitely not so reassuring, nor convincing.

So please... convince me?

I swore I'd never fall again.

But this don't even feel like falling. Gravity came again to pull me back down to the ground again.

Oh Beyonce, your music is another guilty pleasure of mine. You're brilliant.

Confusion.

My thoughts are so cluttered right now. I can't even understand what I'm thinking and it's torturing me. They're bringing me this complete and utter emptiness inside my stomach. It's almost as if I can feel it, and it hurts. I want so many things I can't have. I want to be truly happy. I want to not over-analyze every little precise thing that happens to me. I want my boyfriend to not live so far away. I want to be able to see him whenever I want. I want to not miss him so much, since I know the feeling truly isn't mutual. I want to get better grades in school. I want the determination to be a better swimmer, no matter how much I despise it. I want to have the determination to finish a classical piece on the piano. I want to have the time to practice my viola more often. I want to be good at something; anything. I want to be the best at everything I do. I want to lose all this weight I've gained from my laziness overwhelming me. I want to be taller. I want to not argue with my parents about everything. I want my dad to be happy again, which would cause the rest of us happiness. I want my brother to know how much I love watching him swim. I want my best friends to realize how much I love them. I want more friends that will be true to me. I want people to actually be real with me. I want to say everything that's on my mind. I don't want to be afraid to say anything I want to.

I guess if I tried, I could do all of these things. But sometimes it just feels so difficult. And it's probably because it is. In my mind at least.

Forget-me-nots.

They're definitely my most favorite kind of flowers.

I guess they just make me happy. They're so pretty, and there's something about them that sets off a trigger of pure satisfaction throughout me. And just the name of them are slightly significant to me too right now.
Forget me not.

A story of a girl.

She had been feeling such despondency for far too long. She had been waiting for those three simple words from you to reassure her enamor; yet they had been unsuccessful. Your touch sent such a rush to her heart; yet his such a rush to her mind. Confusion is now her greatest companion, for she doesn't know how to comprehend her emotions. Long days and star-filled nights will pass before she will even think to. She believed in the faith that you failed to display; now she believes in his beautiful illusion. She believed that she could make you change for the best; now she believes in his almost perfection that does not need to be changed. She believed that she could fall in love and avoid getting hurt again; now she believes that there is no such thing. "Only lust exists" is what her mind has convinced her, so therefore she must follow. She will only accept the affection she finds herself deserving of, and from when you've shown her, she deserves nothing. From what he's shown her, she deserves everything.

So why is such complication fluttering her mind? You cannot answer this, and neither can he. But the worst part is that she lacks an answer to this question as well.

Hero.

She had sought the great oblivion of love,
and the feeling of security that she had been so neglectful of.
She would go weeks without feeling slightly enamored,
her heart would lack insignificant clamor.
She wanted nothing more than a hand to hold,
a pair of lips to kiss,
someone to call her hero,
someone to miss.
But this was nothing but a beautiful dream,
because her heart was split into two.
And that is the very moment where she realized
that this hero had certainly existed in her life before,
yet she is the one who bid her saddest adieu.

Okay,

I'm ready for you to miss me now.

Like really. You can start any time you want to.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Best friend.



I'm beginning to think that life without you is impossible. I miss my advice buddy. I miss the boy who would make me laugh in any situation. I miss the boy who would just randomly come over, and never get sick of my complaining. I miss the boy who actually listened to my complaining, and tried to make it better. I miss the boy I could say anything to, not even thinking twice about it. I miss the boy I could be the completely real me around. I miss the boy who actually got me to try hard at swim whenever I went. I miss the boy who raised my self-confidence. I miss the boy who never left my side, and still hasn't. I miss the boy who made me who I am today. I miss the boy who saved my life. I miss the only boy that I can really fully trust. I miss the boy who really does love me just as much as I love him. I miss my best friend. I miss my big brother. I miss Sean Taira Smith. And I know that he misses me too.



Counting down the days until we can be reunited again. This distance is killing me slowly.
I ain't gonna lose you. Ever.

My Fairest Adieu.

My words remain unspoken
while your voice is bittersweet.
But I do not dare open my mouth
because then I may chance becoming free.

To ensure my heart is working
I need it to feel a slight spark or two
but with this lack of affection you deliver
it's so tempting to say my fairest adieu.

I find it more & more troublesome to convey this dissatisfaction
and even harder to choke back my tears.
But I always disregard the pain that I'm feeling
because breaking is one of my most critical of fears.

I'm beginning to believe this hurt is my addiction
because I have no intention of letting you go.
But your ignorance is becoming so overpowering,
& my voice is nothing but an echo.

A dream has power to poison sleep.

I want this so desperately.





It is starting to hurt. But apparently, a job with music is not considered "real" one to my parents... So that is a dream I will slowly have to start giving up. And it kills me inside.

But music will always remain apart of who I am, and will always be something they will never understand, and won't appreciate like I do. Only a scarce amount of people comprehend and appreciate it like I do, actually. Though I guess that's just how life is, and that I should eventually end my complaining.

Maybe.

My best friend.

Photography by Marina Vail:




As most of you know, I have a dear love for my best friend. I felt as though she deserved a whole blog post about her, for multiple reasons. I was going through her photography yet again today, and realized not only is she beautiful inside and out, but she is extremely talented as well. She has the same creativity level as me, if not it's higher, and I adore that about her. She can find an inner beauty in complex things, such as nature, from what I comprehend from her pictures, and it gives me chills. I would only be so confident to say that she is the most perfect young woman I could say I have ever met. She is not neglectful towards others at all, and is so extremely strong and independent. I can honestly say that I hope to be like her when I get older and wiser. Mind you, she is only a year older than me, but she is the kind of woman I aspire to be. Once she puts her mind to something, there is no stopping her, and I admire her ultimately for that. She has no idea how much I look up to her, and appreciate her. She also has no clue how much my family loves her, and considers her as a part of the family. MY family. And she definitely does not have a clue how much of an impact she has had on me. For whatever brought her into my life, I thank him, her, it; whatever. I feel like I have not written enough, but I know that I have put my point across, so I guess that is all I can possibly do.

So I guess all I really need to say is that I love you Marina Vail. You're my sister, and like my female Sean & Thomas, because I would consider you on the same level as then even though I haven't known you nearly as long. And that is such a good thing, considering you have always been there when they cannot be.

PS. I don't mean for this to sound corny, or like Andre/ Austin status. Hehe, just kidding. :)

The best thing I have ever read.

"I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity.' It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands and you feel so happy for them And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too."
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower


I feel like I don't need to explain this. It's already been brilliantly explained.
And let's just say that I'm not so proud & selfish anymore.

Stop calling, stop calling, I don't want to think anymore.

I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.

Lady Gaga... Don't hide it. We all have one. To some it might be Britney Spears, to others it might be Beyonce. It's almost as if these people are our guilty pleasures, even though they shouldn't have to be. But as crazy as Gaga is, she's unique, and absolutely brilliant in her own kind of genius way. It took me a while to figure her out, but she's the real deal. And as original as they come. As long as she stays the true, insane Lady Gaga she is, I'll be here supporting her insanity. You go girl.

I still hear you in this old piano.

I decided to sight-read the first movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" tonight, because it's my absolute favorite piano composition, other than Chopin's nocturne op. 9 no. 2. I realized I loved it even more when I could comprehend the emotions Beethoven was trying to reveal through it. When I was feeling it; playing it; re-living it. I'm not saying it sounds perfect, or that I'm professional at it. It was just the ultimate feeling of finally understanding it, and not just admiring it.

But anyways, playing it brought back memories. A strong, yet sweet nostalgia made my bones grow cold. It brought back the memories spent with you; the most painful of times, yet the most beautiful times as well.

And it made me miss you. Well, not you, because it seems like this process of change has gotten to the best of you. And I as well. But I simply miss the feelings of perfection, yet sadness, at the same time, and the feeling of a never-ending roller coaster. Feelings that were impossible for me to even describe, and would make me seem completely mindless if I tried. Just the basic & cliche emotions of first love. They say you never forget your first love, so why do I find myself trying so incredibly hard to prove them all wrong? I feel selfish, yet practical. But I really don't know what, or how, to feel.

But I should keep my lips closed from this point on, because I don't want to make it appear like I want my past again. Because honestly, I don't. At all. I appreciate everything in my life right now, and I would be a fool to want it any other way. I just like to reassemble my memories every once in a while. To remind me who I am, and how I became to be.

Your redundant mistake.

I'm nothing but your redundant mistake.
The one who's love you refuse to partake.
You wrap and tangle me into your insufficient lies,
as I try so hard to hold back my heavy tears
while we exchange our repetitive good-byes.
I must say that it is so difficult when my heart is contradicting my mind,
and it is so capable of convincing me that you are the best I'll ever find.
I was taught from the beginning that there is no existence of true love,
and that it was so impossible and ignorant to even be written of.
But like these hammers and strings,
you are all that makes sense to me.
And just like my hammers and strings,
I refuse to make a redundant mistake.
So I watch you escape from my thoughts; my mind; my memory,
But I refuse to let you go from my heart; my song; my most blissful of a melody.

Cheer up,

Honey, I hope you can.

Tonight is a thinking night for me. I don't know why I'm feeling so morose, but I am. I have absolutely no reason of feeling this way. These are nights where I know my thoughts are utterly ridiculous. And I wish I could write them down, but I just can't simply seem to describe them in words. It's killing me.

"Distance has no way of making love understandable."

Words don't even matter to me anymore.

This proves everything. You didn't know it, but you've accomplished everything I've ever wanted.
I've always wanted someone to leave at my door nothing but a single red rose, and a sign of love. And you did just that.







Thank you.
This has been one of the best weekends of my entire life. And that is definitely not an exaggeration.

Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day to all.

"Simplicity is the ultimate satisfaction."