A sudden depart.

This poem has no flow, and is just a bunch of rambling from me in no organization in whatsoever.
It plain out sucks. But hey, it got some emotions out.


This misery is so repeated,
and these tears have become a simple routine.
But to my misfortune, I'm still left feeling hurt,
because you threw words at my heart that you obviously did not mean.

I never deliberated that it could happen in the snap of your finger;
in the blink of my eye;
in the fall of a raindrop;
or that it would make me want to fall down and cry.

I loathe at the fact that I didn't see it coming,
For not seeing that this was your intention from the very start.
And now you leave me hanging, feeling worthless,
leaving me out on display as your most catastrophic work of art.

But you never cared for art, did you?
You never considered things that I admired.
I was your boring, nightly entertainment
but it's clear I was nothing that you had ever desired.

Such apathetic happenings
leave me feeling nothing but despondent.
And as I struggle and turn, agitated in my bed,
I can tell that your eyes are shut with feelings of content.

Anger is flowing through my veins,
but the melancholy makes it too overwhelming to notice.
You have blinded me, to the sight of my own pain
and my eyes are finding it impossible to refocus.

So I hope everything is just how you wanted,
as I fall asleep to the pumping of my pitiable heart.
And my mind can't help but scream "Fuck you",
as I wistfully watch the last, and most sudden, of my torturous departs.

I thought you were worth every tear drop that is falling from my face,
and I find that my biggest abhorrence is that I was right.
I never measured up to your perfection, and never could if I tried,
So I guess I am deserving of this other sleepless night.

No more days.

I'm done with writing stupid letters to make myself write. When I want to write, I will. Hopefully I'm not permanently uninspired, or down, because I love it. My mind is just blank right now.

And I can tell you right now I hate it more than anything.

Awkward infatuation.

So I finally started writing again. And it is oh-so-satisfying.

This can't be right,
I can't possibly be falling again.
Because if it's true, then I am still so dismally naive,
And I will fall harder than Seattle rain.

But in your arms, I felt the peak of my euphoria
I was no longer despondent; I didn't lack a feeling of protection.
I felt more alive than I had in 5 enduring months;
& something tells me you weren't fooling me with distorted affection.

I am so exhausted of cultivating abandonment;
I just want you here by my side,
With our conflicting personalities and awkward infatuation,
We somehow find a way where we can collide.

Outside thoughts laugh with their contemptuous smiles,
believing I'm nothing but intensely enamored.
But I don't believe my thoughts are as fabricated as they appear,
and I will pay no attention to their cynical clamor.

This has to be right,
I am foolishly falling again.
I know in the end you'll be nothing but another consecutive regret,
but I'm convinced that you're worth the pain.

I finally have something to say.

And it might be sad that it's this. But I'm so satisfied this feeling is back. It's almost like I need it to breathe, even though that's not true... I guess it just always feels like the cherry on this un-finished pie.

But there's this boy; and the way he laughs, slaps a smile to my face. The way he talks, sends butterflies to my tummy. And maybe, just maybe, everything about him makes me happy.

And for some reason, I feel some sudden poems, lyrics, etc coming up. Inspiration is back, with this arising happiness, and the inevitable sadness that will come along with it.

Summer bucket list.

My best friend and I decided to make a list of things we'd like to accomplish before this summer is over. For the feeling of fulfillment, and to serve as a reminder that this was as amazing of a summer as we'd like it to be.

-make a stop motion video of gummy bears being cannibals
-have a photoshoot
-make a tye dye t shirt
-write another song similar to "Tika and Narima"
-hang out by the pool for a whole day
-go to a beach
-dress up like twins for a day
-have a "Mini People Only" day
-make a secret language
-get rid of our awesome swimmer tanlines
-have paint war
-own an egg child and keep it alive for a day
-go walking places and have an adventure
-dress up in the 80's styles and go to starbucks
-create an epic stop-motion video
-go on a double date
-watch 10 Things I Hate About You & 500 Days of Summer
- Get a big sheet of white paper and finger paint!
- Go outside and blow bubbles!
- Take a friend to a playground and swing!
- Enjoy some chocolate milk
- Fly a kite!
- Color in a coloring book!
- Run around in the summer rain!
- Take silly pictures with a friend!
- Make cupcakes!
- Go rollerskating!

To be continued...




As for a list of my own personal things?
-hang out with Sean Smith for 24 hours and not get bored once
-complete an entire swim practice without cheating once.. haha
-learn a new dance
-make a new friend
-kiss a boy
-finish and perfect a Bach piece on my viola
-play an electric viola/violin
-write, compose, and record a new personal song
-fill in the gaps in my teeth!!!
-spend more than 2 hours practicing any instrument of mine
-lose my "fat pouch"
-limit the sadness; be happy

Summer 2010... I'm so ready for you.

Team-up Thursday: Celebration.

This week was celebration. Any kind of way of showing it, or what you really think it is. Everything was really last minute for both of us, it's getting harder and harder for me to come up with ideas. But I don't mind it, really.
Marina's on top, mine on bottom.

Judgemental.

I find it so amusing that people can so easily point their dirty fingers at you before realizing that it's such a hypocritical action of their own. Or the fact that their definition of a word can be so completely opposite of yours, but they're too close-minded to realize it, and keep their mouths & worthless opinions shut. They waste those seconds envisioning the way they can insult you best, hoping to be the cause of your downfall. The worst part is that they can be, and WILL be... but only if you let them. I absolutely refuse, because only I will be the cause of my downfall. I don't care what people have to say about me anymore, because either way, I'll do what I want. And I'll do what's best for me, and only me, in the end. Don't tell me what I'm feeling; I promise you that I can comprehend my heart. Don't tell me what I'm thinking; I promise you that I understand my rambling, chaotic thoughts that consume my mind. But most above all, don't tell me who I am or where I'm going, because I am the only person that truly knows this, and you're an absurd idiot if you think you know me better than I do.

I know I've made terrible mistakes and that I've hurt people in my past, and that I will continue to make these terrible mistakes and hurt more people in the future. But at least I'm somewhat intelligent to accept this, and not judge other people for it. We are all human, and no one is smarter than the other when it comes to life. Albert Einstein couldn't even tell you why we're here if he tried. But that's what makes this all so worth-while. I just wish people could open up their ignorant eyes to see the true beauty that's around them, and focus on bettering their own lives rather than wasting minutes in their only life by telling other people how to live theirs.